As I mentioned in the numerous comments on the previous post, I once owned a copy of a *novelty* single by Yin And Yan, a spoof version of Telly Savalas’ version of David Gates’ song If.
Yes, I DID try to make that sentence sound as ponderous and clunky as possible.
The premise of Yin And Yan’s song was that Telly Savalas was attempting to record the song in the studio, under strict instructions to talk rather than sing. When he started crooning the producer shouted out “Don’t SING, lollipop!”
Well, I found it funny. I still do.
Those of you who like Green Wing know that I can’t understand the appeal of Green Wing. Perhaps that explains why.
I’m not a sophisticate.
Anyway, as the few remaining readers seem cruelly indifferent to the charms of the enormously talented Guy Marks, I thought I may as well carry on in the same vein.
So here is Telly singing If.
My mother, all her sisters, and, apparently, Geoff’s mother and sisters, all found Mr Savalas “strangely attractive”.
Did every housewife in 1975 think he was irresistible?
Hmm, he looks like the sort of bloke who would spend fifteen minutes stroking a woman’s hair as a seduction technique … not my sort of thing, really.
The black velvet jacket is well foxeh though.
Anyway, having seen the video, I must say I like the sound of Soft Hits, Disco 75, and can’t wait to check out the ouevre of Howard Carpendale.
Hello Betty, gosh it’s a bit posh round here.
Hair stroking is very creepy, isn’t it? Maybe this is a wavy-girl thing, but it freaks me right out.
Oh I am so proud that you admit to owning such a record. Do you not have it anymore? And I always remember the immortal words of Telly in this song (the spacing is intentional as it is the way he sings it – in a really odd unrhythmic fashion – which is what makes it so great::
If a man
Could be in two places
At one time
Then I’d rather
Be
With you
Ha ha – it’s brilliant.
Spin – yeah, still a bit too posh compared to what I’m used to.
Hair stroking: eugh. It’s what you do to pets rather than human beings, isn’t it?
Rockmother – no, sadly, I don’t own that record anymore, along with a lot of other singles from my formative years. Probably thought they were naff when I was a bit older. What a terrible mistake!
The lines you mentioned, as I recall, also featured in the Yin and Yan track, with Telly Savalas’ voice getting higher and higher before the producer stepped in and asked him to stick to his usual *dark brown* sexy voice. Er … this loses a lot in translation, doesn’t it?
“If a picture paints a thousand words then why can’t I paint you?”
“Because you are a shite painter and I’m quite happy the colour I am, baldy. Now get me another gin! And another thing, stop stroking my fucking hair – you can’t have it.”
Never trust a man who talks at 33.3 rpm – it just means he doesn’t think particularly quickly.
Spoken word records, as this could somewhat pretentiously called are not my favourite thing. William Shatner’s are quite amusing, before he was in on the joke and did Common People with Joe Jackson.
And the spoof record, it was on a tape I had as a kid of hilarious comedy. The funniest thing on there was on after the spoof so I listed to it a lot.
Camp Producer: “Lower, lower, watch your image…”
Reg – I’m sure Telly must’ve been a quick thinker. How would he have nabbed all those criminals on Kojak otherwise? I’d rather listen to a man with a 33.3 rpm voice that one who has a raspy, squeaky voice … *shudder*.
Billy – I should imagine this is a spoken word track because Telly sings completely flat. It’s about thirty years since I last heard the spoof record! God, awful just to think of that …
“Probably thought they were naff when I was a bit older”.
You thought correctly.
And what the blazes is Ralph McTell doing in the disco 75 chart? I thought he was some kind of folk singer.
I think Disco 75 is just meant to be a Cherman music show rather than a Cherman music show devoted to disco music. Mind you, I wouldn’t mind hearing a Giorgio Moroder-produced version of Streets Of London. It would be a huge improvement on the original.
The lady behind Telly is trying really hard to remember which pub was it she left her handbag?
I was raised on 78 rpm novelty records thanks to the grandparents: Spike Jones, Max Bygraves etc. I had 45s of ‘Part of the Union’, ‘Mouldy Old Dough’ and ‘Back Home’ by the Engerland football team. And I am not ashamed. Well, only a bit.
Should I be worried that I really like telly Savalas in ‘The Dirty Dozen’? I can’t afford another therapist until 2009.
Should just add that I am not the grandchild of Spike Jones and Max Bygraves etc.
well, i left the comment for this post under the title of the previous post. let me just say that
nah, screw it.
but the dare stands. LEONARD NIMOY! THE HOBBIT SONG! YEAH!
Arabella – it’s not surprising she mislaid her handbag. She looks as if she has indulged in too much port and lemon (see previous post). She’s even reached the stage where she has applied a whole tube’s worth of lipgloss. Oh dear.
Mouldy Old Dough, featuring that old girl on keyboards, is a seminal tune. I’d fight anyone to the death if they disagreed about that.
First Nations – oh alright, you’ve ground me down. However, we’ll all have to suffer the consequences of this. The readership will consist of all sorts of undesirables, instead of the well read, well travelled, high earners and members of the royal family who normally visit here.
I’ve been trying to find Yin and Yan’s ‘If’ online to download legally, but I’ve failed so far.
‘Don’t sing Theo, don’t sing!…” still makes me laugh (as does Green Wing).